NEGOTIATING SEX IN MARRIAGE.

NEGOTIATING SEX IN MARRIAGE.

Sex is one topic that is hardly discussed; culture, religion, parents, teachers, society and other authorities had taught us that it’s so wrong, bad, dirty, disgusting and a taboo subject that ought not be talked about aloud.

As Dr. Justin Lehmiller eloquently puts it in his highly recommended book of sex research, Tell Me What You Want, “For centuries, political, religious and medical authorities have argued that what’s acceptable to desire when it comes to sex is very narrow.  They’ve pretty much told us that we shouldn’t do anything other than put penises in vaginas and even that, ideally, should only take place within the confines of a heterosexual, monogamous marriage.  Desires for any other sexual activities have been deemed unnatural, immoral and unhealthy…”

This definitely rings true in our society; however, it clearly isn’t getting us anywhere. We need to be talking about sex, our fantasies or desires, pleasures, wants/needs openly and be free to explore all these  with our sexual partners (whether they be short-term, long-term partner or our spouse, whom you may never have spoken to openly about such sexual topics).

There’s a need to broaden the definition of sex, according to Dan Savage, a sex educator “the broader your definition of sex, the better sex you will have” which is the simple truth.

Sex negotiation is all about discussing your limits and desires together- In a simpler term, it’s a communication process that helps to clarify expectations and figure out what activities are on and off the table. This is very important, negotiating is not all about compromising and doing stuff you don’t want to engage in, it’s actually about finding the thing you want to do with your spouse and possibly exploring other ways to get unmet needs met.

Bedroom negotiation is about having one or multiple discussions around all these topics before undressing even though most couples will prefer to jump into having sex without conversation thus making it look as if there’s more risk involved in negotiating sex than there is in the act itself.  

Talk of negotiation is supposed to make you feel vulnerable because you are; but some people push it away and live in denial due to the shame we’ve internalized about sex from society.

At times, some couples  compartmentalize and pretend not to be vulnerable during love making forgetting that, without negotiation, there will be too much room for misinterpretation, miscommunication, mixed messages including lack of consent.

It Is okay not to be on the same page as your spouse about your sexual values, ideas and preferences; one reason for negotiating your sexual desires for greater intimacy, hotter sex and more fulfilling relationships.

On a more serious note, sex negotiation between couples is all about having an honest, active and productive talk about how to make love, which to a large extent can be used to resolve issues and can also feature as a part of an ongoing communication around sex and pleasure for you and your lover.

Majority of the times,  couples mistake sex negotiation for legal and career negotiations which are often stressful and intense. This may directly or indirectly keep them from wanting to negotiate intercourse.

Negotiating sexual talks can be playful, sexy-as-hell and can get you really turned on. It’s a part of the sex act itself and it can be considered foreplay. It’s a great way to insert more sex play and imaginations into your repertoires, intimate lives and ensure that you have more of the kind of sex you desire as options are readily available.

More of this in subsequent editions!

SissyAde: Integrative Sex Therapy/Relationship /Marriage Coach. A Sex Columnist With Sunday Vanguard Newspaper And A Family Speaker.